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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:08,999 --> 00:00:09,999 (SIGHS) 2 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:17,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 3 00:00:28,999 --> 00:00:29,999 (HEAVY BREATHING) 4 00:00:42,667 --> 00:00:43,998 (SIGHS WITH RELIEF) 5 00:00:43,999 --> 00:00:44,999 (SHUFFLING) 6 00:00:47,999 --> 00:00:49,999 (CREAKING) 7 00:00:53,999 --> 00:00:56,133 Agh! 8 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:01,933 (SIGHS WITH RELIEF) 9 00:01:01,934 --> 00:01:02,999 SHOUTS: Testing! 10 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:04,998 (BOTH GASP) 11 00:01:04,999 --> 00:01:06,999 (YELLS) 12 00:01:07,372 --> 00:01:09,372 Well, that seems pretty conclusive. 13 00:01:09,373 --> 00:01:11,371 She can also hear us. 14 00:01:11,372 --> 00:01:13,373 (GROANING) 15 00:01:33,373 --> 00:01:36,307 (SNORING) 16 00:01:39,773 --> 00:01:41,371 Clear! 17 00:01:41,372 --> 00:01:44,371 This room gonna get some DIY! 18 00:01:44,372 --> 00:01:45,372 (SCREAMS) DIY! 19 00:01:45,373 --> 00:01:47,372 What is this impudence?! 20 00:01:49,372 --> 00:01:52,371 This is my room, do you hear me? My room! 21 00:01:52,372 --> 00:01:56,371 What sort of heathen just barges in on a lady while she's sleeping? 22 00:01:56,372 --> 00:01:57,772 Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. 23 00:01:57,773 --> 00:01:59,371 (SHOOTS DRILL) 24 00:01:59,372 --> 00:02:00,372 What on earth is going on? 25 00:02:00,373 --> 00:02:03,371 # Daddy gonna drill a hole in the wall... # 26 00:02:03,372 --> 00:02:05,371 Daddy is not drilling any holes in any... 27 00:02:05,372 --> 00:02:07,639 (DRILLING) 28 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:10,371 This is beyond the pale! 29 00:02:10,372 --> 00:02:11,505 No. What are you do...? 30 00:02:11,506 --> 00:02:14,371 (DRILLING OVER SPEECH) 31 00:02:14,372 --> 00:02:15,372 (FANNY GASPS) 32 00:02:15,373 --> 00:02:19,371 Oh, you have got to be joking. 33 00:02:19,372 --> 00:02:22,371 ALISON: Mike! Er... 34 00:02:22,372 --> 00:02:24,371 Oh! This looks fun! 35 00:02:24,372 --> 00:02:27,371 I'm going to call it the smile hole. 36 00:02:27,372 --> 00:02:29,772 Hello, Lady Button! Morning! 37 00:02:29,773 --> 00:02:30,906 ALISON: Mike! 38 00:02:30,907 --> 00:02:34,371 No, no, no! You can't just leave it like this. Where are you going? You can't just... 39 00:02:34,372 --> 00:02:36,371 So, what's your favourite morning song? 40 00:02:36,372 --> 00:02:37,372 I think mine is... 41 00:02:37,373 --> 00:02:41,372 # There's a lark in the bushel at the corner of the... # 42 00:02:43,773 --> 00:02:45,505 ALISON: Mike! Er... 43 00:02:45,506 --> 00:02:49,371 (GHOSTS ALL TALK AT ONCE) 44 00:02:49,372 --> 00:02:50,772 They're back! Who? 45 00:02:50,773 --> 00:02:52,372 Them! 46 00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:55,906 Er... (SHRIEKS) 47 00:02:55,907 --> 00:02:59,306 Don't shriek, you ill-bred hen. It is unseemly for a lady to... 48 00:02:59,307 --> 00:03:00,371 (SHRIEKS) 49 00:03:00,372 --> 00:03:05,173 Him! Cover that up at once. You beastly wretch! 50 00:03:05,174 --> 00:03:09,371 I refuse to be taunted in my own home by that lying, cheating... 51 00:03:09,372 --> 00:03:11,371 Ex-husband. You know how it is. (WHIMPERS) 52 00:03:11,372 --> 00:03:14,772 Oh, we're the same height! Do you need a tea? 53 00:03:14,773 --> 00:03:16,371 Lady coming through! 54 00:03:16,372 --> 00:03:18,371 What's your favourite colour? 55 00:03:18,372 --> 00:03:22,371 (ALL TALK AT ONCE) 56 00:03:22,372 --> 00:03:24,371 Oh, I do wish they wouldn't do that! Aly! 57 00:03:24,372 --> 00:03:28,306 There's a cave one and there's an Army one and there's one with no pants on... 58 00:03:28,307 --> 00:03:29,371 And a first from Cambridge! 59 00:03:29,372 --> 00:03:30,906 And a first from Cambridge! OK, OK. 60 00:03:30,907 --> 00:03:34,306 I know it may seem very real, but remember what they said at the hospital, yeah? 61 00:03:34,307 --> 00:03:36,371 "May experience visual disturbances." 62 00:03:36,372 --> 00:03:37,372 But I can hear them too. 63 00:03:37,373 --> 00:03:39,371 And my Uncle Graeme, he thought he could smell toast, 64 00:03:39,372 --> 00:03:40,372 but you know what? There was no toast. 65 00:03:40,373 --> 00:03:42,371 He was having a stroke! 66 00:03:42,372 --> 00:03:44,371 He died, Mike. OK, bad example. 67 00:03:44,372 --> 00:03:47,371 I'm just saying, think about it - what's more likely, 68 00:03:47,372 --> 00:03:50,371 that you can see ghosts, or that you're still suffering from severe concussion? 69 00:03:50,372 --> 00:03:52,371 ALL: Ghosts. Concussion. 70 00:03:52,372 --> 00:03:54,371 (GHOSTS SIGH) Exactly. You don't just... 71 00:03:54,372 --> 00:03:56,371 Robin, you've been here a while. 72 00:03:56,372 --> 00:03:58,371 Have you ever seen anything like this before? 73 00:03:58,372 --> 00:03:59,372 One time, yes. 74 00:03:59,373 --> 00:04:01,371 But was a bear. 75 00:04:01,372 --> 00:04:04,371 Bear was like, "Raargh!" and I'm like, "Argh!" 76 00:04:04,372 --> 00:04:08,371 and then he like, "Ooh, hurr, hurr!" And I'm like... 77 00:04:08,372 --> 00:04:10,371 "Woo!" And the bear's like... 78 00:04:10,372 --> 00:04:11,907 (LAUGHS) 79 00:04:18,372 --> 00:04:19,372 You had to be there. 80 00:04:19,373 --> 00:04:21,371 Rare, then. Or magic? 81 00:04:21,372 --> 00:04:25,371 Black magic. Perhaps she's just special. 82 00:04:25,372 --> 00:04:28,039 Indeed she is. And you'll be back to your old self in no time. 83 00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:29,371 Just give it a few days, yeah? 84 00:04:29,372 --> 00:04:30,372 OK. 85 00:04:33,372 --> 00:04:34,372 OK? Yep. 86 00:04:35,372 --> 00:04:38,371 So, Mike, what are you up to? 87 00:04:38,372 --> 00:04:41,371 Well, I'm hooking up all the stuff that we can't live without. 88 00:04:41,372 --> 00:04:43,371 So like heating and hot water and... TV. 89 00:04:43,372 --> 00:04:45,371 But the boiler's next on the list! 90 00:04:45,372 --> 00:04:47,372 (CLATTERING) After that. 91 00:04:47,373 --> 00:04:49,371 Are you sure you know what you're doing? 92 00:04:49,372 --> 00:04:52,371 No. But Google does, so we're golden. 93 00:04:52,372 --> 00:04:56,371 Wowee. That's quite the encyclopaedia. 94 00:04:56,372 --> 00:04:59,772 It's gotta be, what, two CD-ROMs, min. 95 00:04:59,773 --> 00:05:03,371 It's all under control here, so why don't you go and relax? 96 00:05:03,372 --> 00:05:06,371 Have yourself a nice war... tepid bath. 97 00:05:06,372 --> 00:05:08,371 ALISON AND GHOST: I'd like that. ALISON: Ohh! 98 00:05:08,372 --> 00:05:10,371 One of them just said what I said. 99 00:05:10,372 --> 00:05:12,173 See? It's all in your head. 100 00:05:12,174 --> 00:05:13,906 Just give it a few days, yeah? 101 00:05:13,907 --> 00:05:15,371 Now go on - bath. 102 00:05:15,372 --> 00:05:17,372 (CLATTERING) 103 00:05:20,372 --> 00:05:22,505 Clearly, this changes things. 104 00:05:22,506 --> 00:05:24,371 By some quirk of fate, it would seem 105 00:05:24,372 --> 00:05:27,371 the new Lady Button... She's no lady, and no Button. 106 00:05:27,372 --> 00:05:29,906 Well, whoever she is, she can now both see and hear us, 107 00:05:29,907 --> 00:05:32,371 which opens up some intriguing possibilities - 108 00:05:32,372 --> 00:05:35,371 chiefly the potential for a full-frontal assault. 109 00:05:35,372 --> 00:05:38,505 Order them to leave. Face-to-face. Yes! 110 00:05:38,506 --> 00:05:43,371 Well, conversings with the dead be witchcraft. 111 00:05:43,372 --> 00:05:45,173 People been burned at the stake for less. 112 00:05:45,174 --> 00:05:48,371 Except of course she isn't truly conversing, is she? 113 00:05:48,372 --> 00:05:50,371 She may give ear to my overtures, 114 00:05:50,372 --> 00:05:53,639 but, alas, she is yet to respond... to any of us. 115 00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:55,306 She spoke to me. 116 00:05:55,307 --> 00:05:57,371 What? No, she did not. Did. Said... 117 00:05:57,372 --> 00:05:58,639 Aaargh! 118 00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:00,505 I don't think that's a word, Robin. No. 119 00:06:00,506 --> 00:06:02,371 'Tis. I had cousin, that's all he said. 120 00:06:02,372 --> 00:06:03,372 (DISTANT BANGING) 121 00:06:03,373 --> 00:06:06,371 She's not conversing because Mr Sledgehammer up there has convinced her 122 00:06:06,372 --> 00:06:09,371 we are just figments of her imagination, 123 00:06:09,372 --> 00:06:11,371 which is why we need a change of tactics. 124 00:06:11,372 --> 00:06:14,371 We work in shifts. Campaign of attrition. 125 00:06:14,372 --> 00:06:15,372 Guerrilla war. 126 00:06:15,373 --> 00:06:17,371 (EXHALES DEEPLY) 127 00:06:17,372 --> 00:06:18,372 Gorilla always win. 128 00:06:18,373 --> 00:06:21,371 Why is it always about war with you? 129 00:06:21,372 --> 00:06:24,371 Well... What's wrong with a nice 'hello'? 130 00:06:24,372 --> 00:06:26,371 Maybe show them around. 131 00:06:26,372 --> 00:06:28,371 Then we could all sit down and have a nice friendly chat 132 00:06:28,372 --> 00:06:31,371 about this whole hotel business. It is nice to be friendly. 133 00:06:31,372 --> 00:06:34,039 Ideally more than friendly. Befriended by you lot? 134 00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:35,372 I can't think of anything more annoying. 135 00:06:35,373 --> 00:06:37,371 In fact, you know what? 136 00:06:37,372 --> 00:06:39,372 Do that! Yeah, good plan. 137 00:06:39,373 --> 00:06:41,173 That'll send them running. 138 00:06:41,174 --> 00:06:43,906 Perhaps I should handle the negotiations. 139 00:06:43,907 --> 00:06:45,371 Huh? 140 00:06:45,372 --> 00:06:49,371 Well, I did, after all, resolve the Arabian crisis of '91. 141 00:06:49,372 --> 00:06:53,306 What, you stopped a war? No, I stopped a crisis. 142 00:06:53,307 --> 00:06:56,371 By starting a war, as it happens, but, you know, that's not the point. 143 00:06:56,372 --> 00:06:59,371 The point is, I was lead envoy in the negotiations. 144 00:06:59,372 --> 00:07:01,306 Utter toffee. 145 00:07:01,307 --> 00:07:03,371 You couldn't negotiate your way out of a corn maze. 146 00:07:03,372 --> 00:07:06,639 How dare you! 147 00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:09,371 I'm a respected politician and diplomat, 148 00:07:09,372 --> 00:07:12,371 and I will not have my credentials called into question 149 00:07:12,372 --> 00:07:14,371 by some work-shy Bohemian. 150 00:07:14,372 --> 00:07:17,371 That treaty was my legacy. 151 00:07:17,372 --> 00:07:19,505 (OTHERS LAUGH) 152 00:07:19,506 --> 00:07:21,772 Oh, yeah, oh, very, very funny. Fine! 153 00:07:21,773 --> 00:07:24,306 I'll prove it to you! Mmm. Yeah. 154 00:07:24,307 --> 00:07:26,371 Ho-ho! You'll see. 155 00:07:26,372 --> 00:07:28,372 (DISTANT BANGING) 156 00:07:33,372 --> 00:07:34,372 Imagine that slammed! 157 00:07:36,372 --> 00:07:41,174 # Daddy's gonna give it some DIY, DIY... # 158 00:07:44,372 --> 00:07:46,372 Right. I'll show them. 159 00:07:48,174 --> 00:07:50,372 (STRAINS WITH EFFORT) 160 00:07:58,372 --> 00:08:00,372 (GASPS) 161 00:08:01,372 --> 00:08:03,371 That's better. 162 00:08:03,372 --> 00:08:07,371 No, no, no, no, no - that's worse! This is awful! 163 00:08:07,372 --> 00:08:09,371 I shall write to the owners. 164 00:08:09,372 --> 00:08:11,306 But where's my quill? 165 00:08:11,307 --> 00:08:14,772 Maybe I left it... downstairs. 166 00:08:14,773 --> 00:08:16,371 Oh, brick it up, you oaf. 167 00:08:16,372 --> 00:08:19,371 I refuse to spend eternity in the company of a halfwit. 168 00:08:19,372 --> 00:08:21,371 I thought we were friends! Friends 169 00:08:21,372 --> 00:08:23,906 are peers and intellectual equals, Kitty. 170 00:08:23,907 --> 00:08:25,772 We are neither. Fine! 171 00:08:25,773 --> 00:08:28,372 Then I'm not letting you go in my canoe. 172 00:08:29,372 --> 00:08:30,372 I just... 173 00:08:30,373 --> 00:08:32,371 Right, then. 174 00:08:32,372 --> 00:08:34,372 Old boiler. 175 00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:38,372 (STRAINS WITH EFFORT) 176 00:08:40,372 --> 00:08:42,372 This'll learn those berks. 177 00:08:52,174 --> 00:08:54,371 (FRUSTRATED YELL) 178 00:08:54,372 --> 00:08:56,372 (CREAKING) 179 00:08:58,907 --> 00:09:00,372 Hmm. 180 00:09:02,372 --> 00:09:03,773 (WATER DRIPS) 181 00:09:12,372 --> 00:09:14,039 (ELECTRICITY FIZZES) Huh. 182 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:16,371 There's nothing to be scared of. 183 00:09:16,372 --> 00:09:18,372 (GHOSTS MURMUR REASSURINGLY) 184 00:09:19,506 --> 00:09:24,371 # Daddy gonna fix the boiler now... # 185 00:09:24,372 --> 00:09:26,371 Hmm. 186 00:09:26,372 --> 00:09:30,371 # YouTube gonna show Daddy how... # 187 00:09:30,372 --> 00:09:32,372 GHOSTS: Ooh! 188 00:09:39,907 --> 00:09:41,372 (ERROR ALERT) 189 00:09:42,372 --> 00:09:44,372 Come on! 190 00:09:46,372 --> 00:09:47,372 (ERROR ALERT) 191 00:09:47,373 --> 00:09:49,306 Ugh! 192 00:09:49,307 --> 00:09:50,371 Oh, it's not playing ball, is it? 193 00:09:50,372 --> 00:09:52,372 (GHOSTS MURMUR) 194 00:09:53,372 --> 00:09:55,772 What's he doing? Oh, no, Daddy. 195 00:09:55,773 --> 00:10:00,306 No, you need to prime the inlet pump, open the induction loop, 196 00:10:00,307 --> 00:10:03,371 repressurise the system, then connect the gas feed, 197 00:10:03,372 --> 00:10:05,371 and then ignite the... 198 00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:06,372 Or just hit it with a hammer. 199 00:10:06,373 --> 00:10:07,639 Unbelievable. 200 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,372 Technophobe. Yeah. 201 00:10:09,373 --> 00:10:13,371 Right. It's going to take a sustained assault to grind her down, 202 00:10:13,372 --> 00:10:14,372 so we'll take it in shifts. 203 00:10:14,373 --> 00:10:16,371 I'll go first! We have a connection. 204 00:10:16,372 --> 00:10:18,371 A frisson, if you will. 205 00:10:18,372 --> 00:10:20,371 Maybe I should go first. Let her know the lay of the land. 206 00:10:20,372 --> 00:10:22,371 No. This is a military campaign, 207 00:10:22,372 --> 00:10:24,371 and I'm not the sort to bring up the rear. 208 00:10:24,372 --> 00:10:25,772 No, I'll go first. 209 00:10:25,773 --> 00:10:28,173 Urgh! And then you, Pat, 210 00:10:28,174 --> 00:10:29,371 and then Mary, and... 211 00:10:29,372 --> 00:10:31,371 Good heavens. What on Earth is that? 212 00:10:31,372 --> 00:10:35,371 Ah, now, that is the front bit of a television. 213 00:10:35,372 --> 00:10:37,371 I don't know where the back bit is, 214 00:10:37,372 --> 00:10:39,371 but that's the front! Extraordinary. 215 00:10:39,372 --> 00:10:42,639 Any luck with the boiler? Nah, not really. 216 00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:44,371 It's in a pretty bad way. 217 00:10:44,372 --> 00:10:46,371 Looks like some idiot has taken a hammer to it. 218 00:10:46,372 --> 00:10:48,371 I'll have a look at it tomorrow. 219 00:10:48,372 --> 00:10:52,371 Connect this one to the one from the roof 220 00:10:52,372 --> 00:10:54,371 and we should... 221 00:10:54,372 --> 00:10:56,306 ...get a picture. 222 00:10:56,307 --> 00:11:00,174 Right. Over the top we go! 223 00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:10,371 Now look here. 224 00:11:10,372 --> 00:11:12,371 As a officer of His Majesty's Armed Forces... 225 00:11:12,372 --> 00:11:13,372 (WHISTLES A TUNE) 226 00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:16,371 ...it is my duty to inform you that you are considered an enemy insurgent 227 00:11:16,372 --> 00:11:18,372 and you should surrender your territories to incumbent forces 228 00:11:18,373 --> 00:11:20,639 - with immediate effect... - # La-la-la-la-la-la... # 229 00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:23,306 ...or face the prospect... OK. 230 00:11:23,307 --> 00:11:24,371 Very good. I see what you're doing. 231 00:11:24,372 --> 00:11:26,371 # La-la-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la-la-la... # 232 00:11:26,372 --> 00:11:27,640 Two can play at that game! 233 00:11:37,372 --> 00:11:38,372 Ah! 234 00:11:38,373 --> 00:11:40,371 # I am the very model of a modern Major-General 235 00:11:40,372 --> 00:11:42,307 # I've information vegeta... 236 00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:47,306 # ...ble, animal and mineral 237 00:11:47,307 --> 00:11:49,372 # I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical 238 00:11:49,373 --> 00:11:53,039 # From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical! # 239 00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:54,371 (DOCUMENTARY BLARES) 240 00:11:54,372 --> 00:11:56,372 You can run, but you can't... 241 00:11:57,372 --> 00:11:59,373 Hello to you. 242 00:12:00,373 --> 00:12:02,371 Hello! And welcome! 243 00:12:02,372 --> 00:12:05,371 On behalf of me and my fellow dead people, may I just say... 244 00:12:05,372 --> 00:12:07,371 Oh, straight onto the tour, OK! 245 00:12:07,372 --> 00:12:09,371 On your left is the Master's chamber, 246 00:12:09,372 --> 00:12:11,039 or "chambre" - that's French. 247 00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:12,371 Wait! 248 00:12:12,372 --> 00:12:14,640 (DOCUMENTARY CONTINUES) You beautiful girl. 249 00:12:20,372 --> 00:12:21,372 (STRAINS WITH EFFORT) 250 00:12:27,372 --> 00:12:28,773 Oh, no. 251 00:12:30,372 --> 00:12:33,371 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 252 00:12:33,372 --> 00:12:36,371 TV: Up next, Hitler's Secret Superweapons. 253 00:12:36,372 --> 00:12:39,371 Oh, good Chr... I mean, it's Christmas, it's Christmas morning! 254 00:12:39,372 --> 00:12:41,372 Alison? 255 00:12:42,372 --> 00:12:43,372 Aly? 256 00:12:45,372 --> 00:12:47,372 What the bally hell do you think you're doing, sir? 257 00:12:47,373 --> 00:12:49,306 What have you done with the tanks? 258 00:12:49,307 --> 00:12:50,372 You turn that back on this instant... 259 00:12:52,372 --> 00:12:53,372 Where are you going? 260 00:12:53,373 --> 00:12:56,371 If you were dead, I would thrash your bottom, sir! 261 00:12:56,372 --> 00:12:58,639 And there's been a settlement on this site for well over... 262 00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:00,371 Boo! ...well, a while now, although this part 263 00:13:00,372 --> 00:13:02,371 of the building is only... You're not real. 264 00:13:02,372 --> 00:13:04,371 Well, we're not alive, but we are... I can't hear you. 265 00:13:04,372 --> 00:13:06,371 Well, clearly you can, because... No, I can't. 266 00:13:06,372 --> 00:13:08,371 Well, it's just... you keep answering me... 267 00:13:08,372 --> 00:13:09,372 No, I don't. ...so why...? 268 00:13:09,373 --> 00:13:10,906 My turn? 269 00:13:10,907 --> 00:13:13,371 Sorry, Tom, Captain said that Mary's next. 270 00:13:13,372 --> 00:13:15,371 Get out my way, you soppy bit o' rag. 271 00:13:15,372 --> 00:13:16,372 Good luck. 272 00:13:16,373 --> 00:13:18,371 Although she's not much of a one for chitchat. 273 00:13:18,372 --> 00:13:20,371 Oh, don't you worries about me. 274 00:13:20,372 --> 00:13:23,040 I've got something up my sleeves. 275 00:13:25,307 --> 00:13:27,371 Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, 276 00:13:27,372 --> 00:13:30,371 get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, 277 00:13:30,372 --> 00:13:31,372 get out, get out, get out... 278 00:13:37,372 --> 00:13:38,372 Boo! 279 00:13:38,373 --> 00:13:40,371 Oh, my...! 280 00:13:40,372 --> 00:13:42,307 Boo! (CHUCKLES) Classic. 281 00:13:43,372 --> 00:13:46,306 Yes, to replace the boiler. So it needs amending. My entry. 282 00:13:46,307 --> 00:13:47,371 To reflect my political achievements. 283 00:13:47,372 --> 00:13:48,505 What did you say, sorry? 284 00:13:48,506 --> 00:13:50,906 There's plenty who've done worse than I did, believe you me. 285 00:13:50,907 --> 00:13:52,371 My phone number... 286 00:13:52,372 --> 00:13:54,173 The MP for Watney got horses involved. 287 00:13:54,174 --> 00:13:55,505 - 0-7-9... Yeah, that's plural! 288 00:13:55,506 --> 00:13:58,371 0-7-9... Horses! It was the shire ones as well. Sorry, 0-7... 289 00:13:58,372 --> 00:14:01,039 You know, the ones with the flares? Can I call you back? 290 00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:04,371 A lady employs a knife AND fork. 291 00:14:04,372 --> 00:14:07,371 A lady pinches. Whores use rouge. 292 00:14:07,372 --> 00:14:10,372 A lady does not hold a carrot like that. 293 00:14:10,373 --> 00:14:12,371 (DOOR SLAMS) 294 00:14:12,372 --> 00:14:15,371 A lady wouldn't tell me to do that to myself! 295 00:14:15,372 --> 00:14:16,372 (SQUEALS) 296 00:14:16,373 --> 00:14:18,371 Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, 297 00:14:18,372 --> 00:14:20,371 get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out. 298 00:14:20,372 --> 00:14:22,371 Get out, get out, get out, get out... (SIGHS DEEPLY) 299 00:14:22,372 --> 00:14:24,371 ..get out, get out, get out, get out... No better? 300 00:14:24,372 --> 00:14:27,306 ..get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out... 301 00:14:27,307 --> 00:14:29,371 Just give it till morning. I'm sure it'll pass. 302 00:14:29,372 --> 00:14:33,306 ...get out, get out, get out, get out. 303 00:14:33,307 --> 00:14:34,773 (CLOCK CHIMES) 304 00:14:37,372 --> 00:14:39,372 (SIGHS) 305 00:14:43,373 --> 00:14:45,371 # I... 306 00:14:45,372 --> 00:14:47,371 # ...am the very model of a modern Major-General 307 00:14:47,372 --> 00:14:50,371 # I've information vegetable animal and mineral 308 00:14:50,372 --> 00:14:53,371 # I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical 309 00:14:53,372 --> 00:14:57,371 # From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical! # 310 00:14:57,372 --> 00:14:59,372 (HUMS MELODY) 311 00:15:08,773 --> 00:15:10,372 Oh, God. 312 00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:18,173 Boo! 313 00:15:18,174 --> 00:15:21,371 Agh! I don't even feel the cold! 314 00:15:21,372 --> 00:15:23,039 (LAUGHS) 315 00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:25,371 I am a strong, sane woman. He'd crafted it from a rubber glove 316 00:15:25,372 --> 00:15:27,371 and was using the gravy as lubricant. 317 00:15:27,372 --> 00:15:28,372 Challenges only make me stronger. 318 00:15:28,373 --> 00:15:31,371 And you can imagine the jokes about "the Chancellor's red box". 319 00:15:31,372 --> 00:15:34,371 And then there was this Liberal fellow, well, you can imagine what he got up to. 320 00:15:34,372 --> 00:15:35,372 He was caught in a sailors' sauna, 321 00:15:35,373 --> 00:15:37,372 and he was not there to learn about boats. 322 00:15:38,372 --> 00:15:40,371 Get out, get out, get out, get out. 323 00:15:40,372 --> 00:15:42,040 (SLAM!) Get out! 324 00:15:44,372 --> 00:15:45,372 (SLAM!) 325 00:15:49,907 --> 00:15:52,371 Oh! Alone at last. 326 00:15:52,372 --> 00:15:53,372 (ALISON SCREAMS) 327 00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:58,039 Alison! Oh, God! 328 00:15:58,040 --> 00:15:59,371 A moment, please, I beg of you. 329 00:15:59,372 --> 00:16:00,372 You're in my head. 330 00:16:00,373 --> 00:16:03,371 And you in mine, my sweet! 331 00:16:03,372 --> 00:16:05,039 What are we doing? 332 00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:07,371 You're married, I'm dead - it can never work. 333 00:16:07,372 --> 00:16:09,306 Can it? Maybe it can. 334 00:16:09,307 --> 00:16:10,371 Like Romeo And Juliet, 335 00:16:10,372 --> 00:16:13,371 but specifically the bit where he's already dead 336 00:16:13,372 --> 00:16:15,371 and she kills herself to be with him? 337 00:16:15,372 --> 00:16:16,372 (GASPS IN PANIC) 338 00:16:16,373 --> 00:16:21,371 I am too bold. Forgive me. Accurse my impetuous loins! 339 00:16:21,372 --> 00:16:24,371 You're not yet free of that buffle-headed bobtail. 340 00:16:24,372 --> 00:16:27,371 I'll wait for you, my comely nug. 341 00:16:27,372 --> 00:16:29,371 Though some idea of timescale would be... 342 00:16:29,372 --> 00:16:30,372 Oh! 343 00:16:30,373 --> 00:16:33,371 No, I understand, this is all happening so fast. 344 00:16:33,372 --> 00:16:35,372 I can wait! 345 00:16:37,372 --> 00:16:39,371 Lord knows I've had the practice. 346 00:16:39,372 --> 00:16:41,371 (STRAINS WITH EFFORT) Come on, man! 347 00:16:41,372 --> 00:16:42,372 I'm trying! 348 00:16:42,373 --> 00:16:44,371 (STRAINS WITH EFFORT) 349 00:16:44,372 --> 00:16:45,505 Well, try harder, man! (ALISON GASPS) 350 00:16:45,506 --> 00:16:49,039 You! I demand you reactivate this device with immediate effect! 351 00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:51,371 Any joy with the people from Goggle? Me again! 352 00:16:51,372 --> 00:16:54,371 Today I thought we could do halls and common passageways. 353 00:16:54,372 --> 00:16:56,505 Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out. 354 00:16:56,506 --> 00:16:58,371 Darling! There you are. Ohh... 355 00:16:58,372 --> 00:17:00,906 Now, I know I said no pressure, but... None of it is real. 356 00:17:00,907 --> 00:17:02,371 None of it is real. 357 00:17:02,372 --> 00:17:04,307 A lady doesn't mumble. Ohh! 358 00:17:05,372 --> 00:17:06,372 Boo! 359 00:17:06,373 --> 00:17:09,371 Don't suppose you've seen a body anywhere? 360 00:17:09,372 --> 00:17:10,372 Is that a no? 361 00:17:15,372 --> 00:17:17,371 (BREATHES DEEPLY) 362 00:17:17,372 --> 00:17:18,372 (GIGGLING) 363 00:17:21,506 --> 00:17:24,371 Will you be my friend? 364 00:17:24,372 --> 00:17:27,372 Agh! (ALL TALK AT ONCE) 365 00:17:30,372 --> 00:17:34,371 (YELLS WAR CRY) 366 00:17:34,372 --> 00:17:37,371 Do you think it's something we said? 367 00:17:37,372 --> 00:17:41,371 And press the hilt of the venturi... What is a venturi? 368 00:17:41,372 --> 00:17:44,371 ...into the domed brass union. What's a union?! 369 00:17:44,372 --> 00:17:47,371 (INSTRUCTIONS CONTINUE) (GHOSTS CHAT AMONGST THEMSELVES) 370 00:17:47,372 --> 00:17:50,371 Don't panic. It takes maybe ten, 20 seconds. 371 00:17:50,372 --> 00:17:52,371 Oh, that's good. 372 00:17:52,372 --> 00:17:54,906 (RUMBLING AND HISSING) Oh, that's bad. 373 00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:56,372 ALISON: Mike! Jesus, you scared me! 374 00:17:56,373 --> 00:17:59,306 It's no good, OK, I need to go and get some... 375 00:17:59,307 --> 00:18:00,372 Holy Mary Mother of God! 376 00:18:01,372 --> 00:18:03,772 Oh, my God. What's wrong? 377 00:18:03,773 --> 00:18:06,371 "What's wrong"?! The room is full of zombies! 378 00:18:06,372 --> 00:18:08,371 Donkeys? 379 00:18:08,372 --> 00:18:09,772 Honey, I promise you it isn't. 380 00:18:09,773 --> 00:18:11,639 Then I have to go back to the hospital and get some drugs 381 00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:13,371 or some therapy or a bang on the other side of my head, 382 00:18:13,372 --> 00:18:15,371 or whatever it takes to stop me from seeing the cast of 383 00:18:15,372 --> 00:18:17,371 The Night Of The Dead every single time I walk into a room! 384 00:18:17,372 --> 00:18:20,371 It's Night Of The Living De... Not now. 385 00:18:20,372 --> 00:18:21,372 I can't go on like this, OK? 386 00:18:21,373 --> 00:18:24,906 So you either drive me to the hospital right now, or I drive myself. 387 00:18:24,907 --> 00:18:26,372 WHISPERS: And I see things that aren't there! 388 00:18:26,373 --> 00:18:28,373 Well, we are. I'll get my keys. 389 00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:31,371 Ohh. Red lever. 390 00:18:31,372 --> 00:18:33,371 (GHOSTS ALL TALK AT ONCE) 391 00:18:33,372 --> 00:18:36,306 Red lever! Red lever! 392 00:18:36,307 --> 00:18:37,906 Red lever! Red lever! 393 00:18:37,907 --> 00:18:39,307 (SCREAMS) 394 00:18:40,372 --> 00:18:42,371 What now? Aly?! 395 00:18:42,372 --> 00:18:45,173 What's wrong? (CONTINUES TO SCREAM) 396 00:18:45,174 --> 00:18:46,371 Red lever! 397 00:18:46,372 --> 00:18:48,371 Red lever? 398 00:18:48,372 --> 00:18:49,372 (HISSING) 399 00:18:49,373 --> 00:18:51,639 Oh! On it! 400 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:54,372 (HISSING STOPS) (GHOSTS CHEER) 401 00:18:58,372 --> 00:19:00,371 (GHOSTS GROAN) Oh, what? 402 00:19:00,372 --> 00:19:03,372 (CAR HORN BEEPS CONTINUOUSLY) 403 00:19:07,372 --> 00:19:10,371 How did you know about the red...? Maybe we should go. 404 00:19:10,372 --> 00:19:11,372 Yeah, yeah, we're going. 405 00:19:11,373 --> 00:19:13,371 No, no, no, I mean away from here. 406 00:19:13,372 --> 00:19:15,371 Just move out. It just doesn't feel right. 407 00:19:15,372 --> 00:19:17,371 What? Why would you say that? 408 00:19:17,372 --> 00:19:19,371 (GHOSTS ALL TALK AT ONCE) 409 00:19:19,372 --> 00:19:21,039 It's hard to put my finger on. 410 00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:24,371 All right. Just... one thing at a time, yeah? We'll talk about this later. 411 00:19:24,372 --> 00:19:26,371 Ooh! Electric windows! 412 00:19:26,372 --> 00:19:28,371 Get out of here! OK, OK! 413 00:19:28,372 --> 00:19:31,372 (GHOSTS ALL SHOUT AT ONCE) 414 00:19:41,372 --> 00:19:43,173 I say. 415 00:19:43,174 --> 00:19:44,371 Well, fascinating. 416 00:19:44,372 --> 00:19:48,371 But you don't see them now, do you? 417 00:19:48,372 --> 00:19:50,371 Not since we left the house. 418 00:19:50,372 --> 00:19:51,372 Maybe I'm on the mend! 419 00:19:51,372 --> 00:19:52,372 Mmm. 420 00:19:52,373 --> 00:19:54,371 Yes, I know how loans work. 421 00:19:54,372 --> 00:19:55,772 Sort of. As I've said before, sir... 422 00:19:55,773 --> 00:19:58,371 But surely if we just give you the money back, then... 423 00:19:58,372 --> 00:20:00,306 ...we cannot end the agreement now. Yes. 424 00:20:00,307 --> 00:20:02,371 Do you see? Yes, I see. 425 00:20:02,372 --> 00:20:04,371 Do you think it was related to the accident? 426 00:20:04,372 --> 00:20:06,505 Oh, yes, undoubtedly. Oh, good. 427 00:20:06,506 --> 00:20:09,371 So it should just... stop happening, 428 00:20:09,372 --> 00:20:10,372 as I heal? 429 00:20:10,373 --> 00:20:14,371 Well, my diagnosis - based on what you've told me - 430 00:20:14,372 --> 00:20:17,371 is that your accident left you so close to death yourself, 431 00:20:17,372 --> 00:20:19,906 you're now able to see dead people. 432 00:20:19,907 --> 00:20:21,772 What do you mean? Well... 433 00:20:21,773 --> 00:20:23,306 can you see me? 434 00:20:23,307 --> 00:20:24,505 Yes. Exactly. 435 00:20:24,506 --> 00:20:26,372 I'm dead. 436 00:20:26,373 --> 00:20:28,372 So sorry to have kept you. 437 00:20:29,373 --> 00:20:31,372 Oh, she's very good. 438 00:20:32,373 --> 00:20:34,039 Ohh! 439 00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:35,371 What can I do for you? 440 00:20:35,372 --> 00:20:36,372 All right, listen to what I'm... 441 00:20:36,373 --> 00:20:38,371 (ALISON SCREAMS) Wait. 442 00:20:38,372 --> 00:20:40,372 ALISON: The doctor's dead! 443 00:20:42,372 --> 00:20:44,306 I just... 444 00:20:44,307 --> 00:20:47,371 I don't understand. If it's come back, why not accept the sedatives? 445 00:20:47,372 --> 00:20:50,371 I mean, they might help with... Because... 446 00:20:50,372 --> 00:20:53,371 back at the house I see the same faces every day. 447 00:20:53,372 --> 00:20:56,371 But at the hospital - completely different ones. 448 00:20:56,372 --> 00:20:58,371 Different places, different faces. 449 00:20:58,372 --> 00:21:01,371 Why would my brain do that? OK, that is... 450 00:21:01,372 --> 00:21:02,372 It wouldn't. 451 00:21:02,373 --> 00:21:04,371 Because they're not in here. 452 00:21:04,372 --> 00:21:05,506 They're out there. 453 00:21:18,372 --> 00:21:20,372 (GHOSTS ALL TALK AT ONCE) 454 00:21:26,174 --> 00:21:29,371 Right, we're selling up. We'll buy a little new-build. 455 00:21:29,372 --> 00:21:32,371 One of those soulless little boxes that I've always hated. 456 00:21:32,372 --> 00:21:37,371 One bed's fine. Just somewhere with absolutely no past whatsoever. 457 00:21:37,372 --> 00:21:39,371 Right. Yeah. 458 00:21:39,372 --> 00:21:40,906 It's just... 459 00:21:40,907 --> 00:21:43,371 OK, well... 460 00:21:43,372 --> 00:21:45,371 I don't want you to get mad. Am I going to get mad? 461 00:21:45,372 --> 00:21:49,371 Yes. I spoke to the loan people and, with the prepayment penalties and... 462 00:21:49,372 --> 00:21:53,371 Well, long story short, getting out now 463 00:21:53,372 --> 00:21:55,371 would probably bankrupt us. 464 00:21:55,372 --> 00:21:58,371 And I only added "probably" to make it sound better. 465 00:21:58,372 --> 00:22:00,371 Didn't you read the contracts?! 466 00:22:00,372 --> 00:22:02,371 I gave them what I'd call a lengthy skim. 467 00:22:02,372 --> 00:22:05,371 Oh, Mike, I could kill you! 468 00:22:05,372 --> 00:22:06,372 Ooh! Good idea! 469 00:22:06,373 --> 00:22:08,371 Though maybe not here, just because he might... 470 00:22:08,372 --> 00:22:11,371 (GHOSTS ALL TALK AT ONCE) 471 00:22:11,372 --> 00:22:12,640 Right! 472 00:22:14,372 --> 00:22:17,372 Well, there's only one thing for it, isn't there? 473 00:22:19,372 --> 00:22:21,371 Fine! I see you! OK?! 474 00:22:21,372 --> 00:22:23,173 I see Major-General Can't-Sing, 475 00:22:23,174 --> 00:22:25,371 I see Captain Cave-Prick, I see all of you! 476 00:22:25,372 --> 00:22:27,371 OK? You win! 477 00:22:27,372 --> 00:22:28,372 Mission accomplished! 478 00:22:28,373 --> 00:22:30,371 I admit your existence. 479 00:22:30,372 --> 00:22:32,371 Now what the hell do you want?! 480 00:22:32,372 --> 00:22:34,371 We want you out of this house! 481 00:22:34,372 --> 00:22:35,372 Yes, you do not belong here! 482 00:22:35,373 --> 00:22:37,306 Well, that's tough, isn't it? 483 00:22:37,307 --> 00:22:39,371 Because thanks to my resident mortgage advisor, 484 00:22:39,372 --> 00:22:40,372 we're stuck here! 485 00:22:40,373 --> 00:22:42,372 OK, you're officially freaking me out. 486 00:22:42,373 --> 00:22:43,639 So how about you leave? 487 00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:47,371 We can't leave. You sort of just stays where you dies. 488 00:22:47,372 --> 00:22:49,371 And how you dies... died! 489 00:22:49,372 --> 00:22:50,505 It's your classic haunted house. 490 00:22:50,506 --> 00:22:53,371 Er, Alison... Whoa. Right. 491 00:22:53,372 --> 00:22:55,039 So I can't go and you can't go. 492 00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:56,371 So... 493 00:22:56,372 --> 00:23:00,906 what will it take to get you all just out of my face, huh? 494 00:23:00,907 --> 00:23:03,371 What do you want? What do you actually want?! 495 00:23:03,372 --> 00:23:04,373 Specifically! You? 496 00:23:06,307 --> 00:23:08,371 Right! I'll tell you what we want. 497 00:23:08,372 --> 00:23:09,907 We demand that... 498 00:23:11,372 --> 00:23:13,371 One hour a week of the thing about tanks 499 00:23:13,372 --> 00:23:15,371 and anything on superweapons, please? Thank you. 500 00:23:15,372 --> 00:23:17,371 Done! Next. It feels like I should call someone? 501 00:23:17,372 --> 00:23:19,039 Who you gonna call?! 502 00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:20,371 You, Sourpuss. 503 00:23:20,372 --> 00:23:24,371 Remove my husband's portrait, and fill the hole in my wall! 504 00:23:24,372 --> 00:23:27,371 Done. You? Divorce him, kill yourself, marry me. 505 00:23:27,372 --> 00:23:28,372 No. To which bit? 506 00:23:28,373 --> 00:23:31,039 You? I just wanted to say hello!! 507 00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:33,371 Hello! Oh, hello. 508 00:23:33,372 --> 00:23:35,371 And on behalf of myself and my fellow ghosts... 509 00:23:35,372 --> 00:23:38,371 Listen. I want those slanderous beggars at Goggle 510 00:23:38,372 --> 00:23:41,371 to amend my entry for the next edition. I am a respectable... 511 00:23:41,372 --> 00:23:43,371 It doesn't work like that - it's the internet. 512 00:23:43,372 --> 00:23:45,505 Right. And where are they based? 513 00:23:45,506 --> 00:23:49,371 It's everywhere. In every house in the country, in the world. 514 00:23:49,372 --> 00:23:53,371 You mean every person on the planet just thinks of me as the weirdo MP 515 00:23:53,372 --> 00:23:55,371 who died in some sex scandal? 516 00:23:55,372 --> 00:23:58,371 That was you?! What? No! 517 00:23:58,372 --> 00:24:01,371 I don't want anything, actually. Who's next? 518 00:24:01,372 --> 00:24:03,772 Renounce Satan, witch! 519 00:24:03,773 --> 00:24:05,371 Um... OK! 520 00:24:05,372 --> 00:24:08,371 Yeah, yeah, that's probably done it. 521 00:24:08,372 --> 00:24:12,371 And what about you, Budget Tarzan? 522 00:24:12,372 --> 00:24:13,372 What do you want? 523 00:24:13,373 --> 00:24:15,372 Oh, nuffin', thanks. Nothing? 524 00:24:15,373 --> 00:24:17,372 So you just spent... 525 00:24:19,372 --> 00:24:21,371 So you just spent the last three days 526 00:24:21,372 --> 00:24:25,371 hiding in every little tiny little dark corner in this entire house, 527 00:24:25,372 --> 00:24:28,371 scaring me out of my mind, 528 00:24:28,372 --> 00:24:29,372 for no reason?! 529 00:24:29,373 --> 00:24:31,371 Well, it was something to do. 530 00:24:31,372 --> 00:24:33,371 My turn! I think we've got a lot in common. 531 00:24:33,372 --> 00:24:35,371 OK, so I've just googled "psychotic break" 532 00:24:35,372 --> 00:24:38,306 and I'm not saying that this is one, but there is an article 533 00:24:38,307 --> 00:24:39,371 that I think you should have a... 534 00:24:39,372 --> 00:24:41,371 Mike, this isn't... Can you just come with me? 535 00:24:41,372 --> 00:24:43,371 All of you! 536 00:24:43,372 --> 00:24:44,372 Where are you going? 537 00:24:44,373 --> 00:24:46,371 To shut you all up. 538 00:24:46,372 --> 00:24:49,371 Horsey to go dooka-dakka-deeko. 539 00:24:49,372 --> 00:24:51,371 Dooka-dakka-deeko. 540 00:24:51,372 --> 00:24:54,173 OK, you go. 541 00:24:54,174 --> 00:24:55,639 Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? 542 00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:57,372 Even more softly. 543 00:24:58,907 --> 00:25:00,371 When's our sleepover again? 544 00:25:00,372 --> 00:25:02,371 Eighth of March. And what is it now? 545 00:25:02,372 --> 00:25:04,640 June. Oh! So exciting! 546 00:25:05,907 --> 00:25:07,371 How long's this on for? 547 00:25:07,372 --> 00:25:09,639 I need to contact this Vicky Pedia. 548 00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:11,371 Shh! Shh! 549 00:25:11,372 --> 00:25:13,372 (DOCUMENTARY PLAYS) 550 00:25:17,372 --> 00:25:18,372 Er, well played. 551 00:25:18,373 --> 00:25:22,371 Perhaps there is some Button blood in those veins after all. 552 00:25:22,372 --> 00:25:23,372 Yeah. 553 00:25:23,373 --> 00:25:26,371 Well, I'm not sure I buy all this, but I've moved the painting. 554 00:25:26,372 --> 00:25:27,505 And bricked up the hole? 555 00:25:27,506 --> 00:25:30,372 Yeah, I... filled... the hole. 556 00:25:31,506 --> 00:25:33,371 (HUMS CHEERILY) 557 00:25:33,372 --> 00:25:34,372 Argh! 558 00:25:34,373 --> 00:25:36,372 Oh, this will NOT stand! 559 00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:40,039 Well, you seem happier. 560 00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:43,371 The good news is I'm not mad. 561 00:25:43,372 --> 00:25:45,505 That's a relief. What's the bad news? 562 00:25:45,506 --> 00:25:47,372 (GHOSTS ALL SHOUT AT ONCE) 563 00:25:50,372 --> 00:25:52,372 They are. 564 00:25:56,372 --> 00:25:57,907 (TAPPING) 565 00:26:07,372 --> 00:26:08,372 Alison! 566 00:26:08,373 --> 00:26:11,372 Turn the right-hand dial horizontal. 567 00:26:12,373 --> 00:26:14,372 And press the ignition. 568 00:26:15,372 --> 00:26:16,372 Hey! 569 00:26:17,372 --> 00:26:18,506 OK. 570 00:26:19,640 --> 00:26:20,906 I believe you. 571 00:26:20,907 --> 00:26:22,371 And, er... 572 00:26:22,372 --> 00:26:24,371 ...thank you? 573 00:26:24,372 --> 00:26:26,371 They say you're welcome. "They"? 574 00:26:26,372 --> 00:26:28,373 You mean there's two of them?! 575 00:26:32,372 --> 00:26:33,372 Yes. 575 00:26:34,305 --> 00:26:40,195 Craving big poker? Feast your eyes on Venom. $5 million GTD. AmericasCardroom.com 54558

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